Hey there. I would like to thank my friend Eddie for putting me on to this. I was recently told that starting a journal was something i needed to do. It was shortly after that that ed made me aware of doing this so i thought what the hell. I guess the only way i can start this is simply the only way i had ever been taught or learned how. My name is Kevin and i am a recovering drug addict. T he biggest reason i am doing this is because i had relapsed. A couple of years ago i did. Since that time the guilt that i carried around because of that relapse has ended up costing me more than i ever could have or would have believed. The very first time i had realized my addiction i had absolute bottom. My “issues” cost me a job that financially i will never replace. As well this last relapse cost me something that ends up meaning more than any job or money. I will always make more. Ultimately my “issues” took from me someone that became to mean more to me than she will now ever know. Jenny is a nurse. Small girl but DDDAAAMMMNNN! is she fine. And strong too. Easily for her size has to be pound for pound one of the strongest people in the gym. She is beautiful in every sense or expression or meaning of the word. She is kind, sweet, generous, a great cook, thoughtful, understanding, empathetic, determined, proud, focused but mostly an angel. I let my “issues” and the guilt from those push her away from me. To the point of no return where now all i have are the memories of the time i had with her. While now another man reaps the benefits of my fuck ups. My “issues” are as i said drugs. well not just drugs but any kind of substance can get away from me if you know what i mean. I can be a very fun loving person for the most part but after it gets away well lets just say i can be a very difficult person to love. Not just Jenny but even my family can atest to that. Most of my life any relationship i touched i have destroyed. When i went to rehab about 6 years ago, i left feeling pretty confident that i had licked my problems. But i was arrogant, because as i say “learn from your mistakes they can end up costing you more the more you make them”. I was so arrogant in what or how i believed i was doing that i didn’t see just how unhappy one of the main people in my life was. The gulit i carried from relapsing was magnified it felt because up until this very second no one knew. Not even Jenny. It then got away from me. But in away thati could almost excuse. i started smoking weed more regularly, i started taking tylenol 3’s and oxcontin, and other forms of pain killers to make me feel better about what i was doing to make me feel bad. I was living a pattern that was extremely unhealthy. Are you ready for the kicker…? Not only did it cost me a realationship that was invaluable to me but i also have a 7 year old daughter. Im ashamed of myself as i write this. God blessed me with two of the most beautiful people that have ever been put on earth and i chase one away and have risked the possible loss of my daughter had anyone knew what was actually going on behind closed doors. That is the reason that im now doing this. Since Jenny left, i have had an incredible amount of self realisation. Im done. With everything. This is going to be my rehab, my journal, my church my confessions. Each day i will talk about my days and my life. Not hugely interesting stuff, but maybe someone else that maybe sees this has the same sort of things to deal with. i have learned in my life the ways to stay healthy mentally, spirtually and physically. So if you want follow along and join me learning how and what i do and try not to do in my daily life to try and become a better man, father and person. I dedicate this to my daughter Zaria but most of all my Jenny “BOO”. I dont know enough words nor would have the time to write the words that it would take for me to tell you how sorry i am but most of all how much i love both of you. You both mean the world to me. “Grant me the serenity to accept the things i can not change… The courage to change the things i can… And grant me the wisdom to know the difference… Living one day at a time… Enjoying one moment at a time… Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace… Taking this world as it is…Not as i would have it… Trusting that all things will be made right… If i surrender… So that i may be reasonably happy in this life… And supremely happy in the next… Have a good day everyone.
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